Remember last year around this time we were all thinking, "Will this ever end?? Is this our life now?' Holed up in our apartments, stuffing ourselves with carrot-cake Oreos and Netflix, deathly afraid to be within 6 feet of anyone, much less someone (gasp!) not wearing a mask. Newspaper articles coming out daily proclaiming 'the death of NYC' or 'the new normal' or 'the end to life as we know it'.

And yet here we are…

There is a plant in the corner of my living room that is growing sideways. If I can remember correctly, it did, at some point in its life, grow straight up; but, over the course of different apartments, different corners of different rooms, different light sources, it now has an almost rainbow-like curve to its trunk, extending its leaves to the sunlit window, just slightly beyond its reach.

Spring is that time of year- where we do our deep cleans, our re-starts, our resolutions (or re-resolutions).

For me, I often mark this change of season with the re-potting of plants. Most times, it goes off pretty easily- gently edging the soil away from the pot and sliding the tender root ball out, overly careful not to let too much loose soil drop away for fear of over-exposing the plant's naked, tender roots; and then replanting in another, slightly bigger pot that is already eagerly awaiting its new tenant.

But then, there are some plants…

So you've decided now's the time. You've brushed the carrot-cake oreos off your sweatpants, you dragged yourself off the couch; you've bought the nice, new notebook or you've signed up for that class or you've pulled those dust bunnies out from underneath the dresser. You've practically sent invitations to announce, "Yes, NOW! I'm here! I'm doing it! It's happening!" With gusto, you swing open the door to 'now' and...and...

I got nothin'. It's been almost a year into our lives alongside Covid-19 and I wish I could pull out a little nugget of wisdom like an unknowingly lost $20 bill found trapped in a deep fold of my jacket somewhere. Like, "Hey! There you are! I totally didn't even know I had this!" But nope. Nothin'. Just the inevitable chugging along through life, as we do.

I stopped making plans for 'when this reopens' or 'when we can travel again' or 'I can't wait for'. All I have is the proverbial unfolding of 'now'. And 'now'. And 'now'. Again and again and again.

I've written about 'now' before and I'm sure I'll write about 'now' again as 'now' is continually happening and unfolding until, well, at some point, I guess it stops?

But does it?

Probably, like most of us, especially after the year we've had, I'm looking forward to the next one. As if, come January 1st, the clouds will part, the sun will forever shine upon us and all the evils of the world will be erased. Sigh. Wouldn't that be nice? It is nice to believe that with one movement of a clock hand or a flip of a calendar page everything will be somehow better, lighter, more easeful. Yet, the truth is that 2021 will have its good days and it will have its bad days, like every other year.

As I write this, on the eve of Election Day, I, like probably most of you, sit with bated breath, a hard ball of tension lodged in my chest, awaiting results and the consequences of those results. But then, the tea kettle whistles and I am reminded to go tend to my morning's coffee, to get dressed, and to continue on with my day. And that's how it goes. Always.

We can and will always worry about the future. It's sort of what we humans do best. Spoiler alert: Whether it's an election, a pandemic, global warming, (and the list goes on) there truly is always something looming about in the uncertain future. Sorry to say, but yes, at some point in the future, tragedy will happen. It is inevitable in the span of a life. Yet, also, at some point in the future, majesty will happen. It is inevitable in the span of a life.

Don't worry- this won't be a whole post about death (at least not this one). But it will be about the sometimes insurmountable task of being human- of the learning, the flailing, the falling apart, the breaking down, the healing. (Wait, isn't that what all these posts are about?) Specifically, in this post, it'll be about the healing.

What does it even mean to 'heal'? And for that matter, what does it mean to 'break' or 'be broken'?